“Mamma, Where Is Your Hair?” | My Journey from Illness to God’s Grace

When the World Sees My Face, God Sees My Heart

“She looked at me twice with a different look, and it broke my heart.”

Maybe her eyes were saying more than her words ever could. Maybe, in that moment, her eyes were speaking what was in her heart.

But who was this person she was looking at?

I was standing there with a scarf wrapped around my head and a face mask covering my face. There were only bones covered with skin. My skin had become as dark as coal. I wore a sweater covered with a shawl, one black shoe, spectacles, and had only a few baby hairs growing on my head. My lips had turned almost white, and my face carried scars left behind by the oxygen mask during my Cancer Treatment.

I could not even get up from bed or walk without someone—most probably my husband—supporting me.

Who would not look back? Who could recognize me?

“Mamma, where is your hair?”

After almost two and a half months in the hospital, I finally came home.

My little son, Isaac, was only two years old.

Even he could not recognize me.

He saw me from a distance. Then he slowly came closer. Everyone around him told him, “Isaac, don't go next to Mamma.”

But those soft, feather-like little hands touched me for a moment and ran away.

Slowly, I think, he began to recognize my voice.

Then came the innocent question that broke my heart:

“Mamma, where is your hair?”

I wanted to lift him.

I wanted to hug him.

I wanted to kiss my baby.

But I couldn't.

I could not keep him on my lap. I could not feed him. I could not give him a bath. I could not dress him.

I could only touch him.

I remember lying on that sofa, watching everything happening around me with tears in my eyes.

A mother who had always wanted to do everything for her child could now do nothing more than reach out and touch him.

But even in those moments, God was there.

Slowly, everything began to change

By the extreme grace of God, things slowly started changing.

After my bone marrow transplant, we shifted to our home in Bangalore. I had been taking treatment at Adyar Cancer Institute in Chennai, Tamil Nadu.

There was a time when we did not even know with certainty whether we would ever return to Bangalore.

But God made a way.

Nothing but His grace.

I came home.

I was alive.

I was with my family.

And then another challenge began.

How do I face society?

Surviving the disease was one battle.

Facing people after the disease was another.

One day, encouraged by my husband, I went shopping to buy a dress.

I entered the trial room and tried one.

The sales girls looked at me differently.

I noticed it.

I felt it.

And it hurt.

We came back home.

I was deeply upset.

Another day, I went to church and met one of my friends.

I wished her.

She looked at me.

She could not recognize me.

I had to introduce myself.

Only then did she realize who I was.

That moment stayed with me.

“I have become very dark, Doctor.”

One day, I shared my feelings with my doctor.

“Doctor, I have become very dark. I feel bad going outside and facing people.”

She gave me a statement that has remained with me ever since.

She said, in essence:

“Take that colour you are feeling bad about and put it in the dustbin.”

What a powerful thought!

I had been carrying the colour of my skin as a burden.

But she was telling me to throw that burden away.

Some of my friends did not even dare to come and see me. Perhaps they were wondering:

How will she look?

How can I face her?

But there was something I was slowly learning.

The world looks at the outside. God looks at the inside.

When Samuel looked at Eliab

The Bible gives us a beautiful example of this.

When Samuel came to Jesse's house to anoint the one God had chosen as king, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, Surely this is the Lord's anointed.

But God said:

“People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
— 1 Samuel 16:7

Samuel was looking at appearance.

God was looking at the heart.

The world looked at my face.

God looked at my heart.

The world saw a changed body.

God saw His daughter.

The world saw scars.

God saw someone He had preserved.

The world saw weakness.

God saw faith.

“He rescued me because He delighted in me”

There is a verse that became very precious to me:

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
— Psalm 18:19

I still ask myself:

Why did God love me so much?

Why did He delight in me?

What had I done to deserve all this?

Honestly, nothing.

It was not because I was perfect.

It was not because I had done something extraordinary.

It was simply His grace.

He delighted in me.

He rescued me.

He carried me.

He brought me through.

People see the face. God sees the heart.

People often see our face first.

They notice our skin colour.

Our hair.

Our height.

Our weight.

Our clothes.

Our jewellery.

Our body shape.

Our status.

Our appearance.

And sometimes, their looks, words and opinions can discourage us deeply.

But God does not look at us that way.

He sees what nobody else can see.

He sees our heart.

When people saw me after my treatment, they saw someone who had changed completely.

But God saw the same person He had created.

He reminded me:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.”
— Psalm 139:14

I am God's creation.

You are God's creation.

He made every one of us differently.

My dear friend...

Are you worried about your appearance?

Maybe you are tall.

Maybe you are short.

Maybe you are fair.

Maybe you are dark.

Maybe you have long hair.

Maybe you have short hair.

Maybe you have big teeth, a big nose, big ears, or something about yourself that you wish you could change.

Perhaps somebody has made you feel ashamed of the way you look.

Please remember this:

God made you.

You don't have to become someone else to be valuable.

You don't have to look like someone else to be beautiful.

You don't have to live according to the world's measurement of beauty.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

So throw away the attitude that makes you hate yourself.

Throw away the voices that constantly tell you that you are not good enough.

Throw away the fear of people's opinions.

Look beyond the mirror.

Look beyond the face.

Look beyond the scars.

Look beyond the colour.

God sees your heart.

And if God sees you, loves you, delights in you, and has a purpose for your life, then you can stand again.

You can smile again.

You can walk again.

You can live again.

You can move forward again.

Happily accept who God created you to be.

Don't waste your life trying to become someone else.

Be thankful for who you are.

Walk confidently in God's plan.

Let His Word fill your heart.

Let His power strengthen you.

And when the world looks at your appearance and judges you, remember:

They may see your face, but God sees your heart.

They may see your scars, but God sees your story.

They may see your weakness, but God sees His purpose.

And above everything else—

God sees you.

So stand up.

Move forward.

Proceed and succeed in God's plan.

And let your life bring glory to Him.

Amen.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.”
— Psalm 139:14

Never miss out on future posts by following this blog!

Thank You for Reading ❤️

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.

If these words touched your heart, encouraged you, or reminded you that God sees beyond our appearance and looks into our hearts, please share this message with someone who may need to hear it today.

You never know whose heart your share might reach.

Let’s spread hope, encouragement, and the love of Jesus.

God bless you and your family abundantly. ❤️

With love and prayers,
Sumathi